Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in oiskaio's LiveJournal:

Thursday, September 1st, 2005
2:46 am	Best thing ever said.... EVER.... "I wanna see movies of my dreams." How true, How true. Life would be put out there for everyone including yourself if you could see what you thought unconciously. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
2:48 pm	The end of summer "Autumn Walker" Hello, old friend. It's been a while. How you been? All things must end, but did you know what that meant? The birds fly south. The summer sets. The lights go out. Leaves on the ground. Autumn walker, you just walked out. And I see it now. That it's so much easier alone, and you don't have to worry about me. It's all good. It's all wrong. And I hope you find the place and the people that you need. I don't want to be the one who always waits for you to wait and see. What makes you run? Was it me or anyone? It goes to show when people grow, people go and there you go autumn walker. Stay now, autumn walker. Drink down your doubt. A glass half empty can empty you out. My heart is full of promises that drank me whole. And I see it now. That it's so much easier alone. But you don't have to go very far 'cause where you go, there you are. And it shouldn't be so hard to see your friends. That's who they are. I don't mean tot ell you how to run your life, but make up your heart. You go too far. In the atmosphere, you fall apart. More miles than my car's got on it. That's pretty far. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
2:54 am	Hmmm..... how fast life flys by. So it doesn't seem like that long ago that I wrote in my Livejournal, then i looked at the date.... NOVEMBER?!?!?! No way, couldn't have been! Well it has been. LOL sad thing is most of the shit that was bothering me then still is 9 months later. I'm an odd character i realized a little bit ago (which you can tell by the fact that i don't remember writing some of the crap in my LJ posts...like George Burns being god? Where did i come up with that?), anyway, I realized that a lot of the time I give the impression of being either pompous, egotistical, a hardass, an asshole, sarcastic, happy with myself, arrogant, or confident (or any of the above combos you'd like). In reality though I still a scared 10 yr old boy on the inside who just wants to fit in. I've never thought anyone looked at me the way I wanted to be looked at, or even the way I saw myself in the mirror. I've always been a little dorky and skinny, but i always thought i was cute and/or handsome. But one questions what they see in the mirror when others don't reciprocate those same ideas back to you. When you constantly have friends tell you that you're good looking and a "great guy" (god choke me if i hear that one more time) but then have no idea why you can't meet anyone, it becomes a confusing situation. On top of all that WHY THE FUCK do I feel such a need to have 100 girls phone #'s? Lol chances are they'd be like the last 2 i did get, and i won't even call them. What is it about growing older that makes us (or at least most of us i think) want to rush into relationships and find the "one". Is it cus we see our own mortality suddenly and in some sick way , it's a way to make us not think about it? Well whatever the fuck it is... it sux... cus it just makes me feel like more a loser right now :) I hate writing these things cus there's always so much i want to say, but to be honest I get tired of typing lol. Awesome! I just found a cigarette! LOL sorry to put my thoughts into words. OK BACK TO ME!.... I met a girl the other day who finally made me feel comfortable for the first time in 9 months.... and oh what was that? that's right she has a boyfriend. It sux cus i could sit and talk to this girl all day and night and just have a great time hanging out. Reminds me a lot of the way i felt about someone else when we first met. And to make matters worse she calls all the time when she's drunk from her boyfriends bed to tell me goodnight..... GOD I HATE GIRLS. Maybe it's for the best though. I really am not sure i want another girlfriend right now anyway. Do i miss having a girl around? yes. Do I miss kisses & hugs? yes. Do i miss that person i can call and tell anything? yes. And do i miss sex? what do you think? I think i just need to take some time for myself and completely get over everything i've been through and figure out what the fuck I'M doing. Plus I think I'm too picky when it comes to girls anyway, they can be hotter then shit and like me ... but if i can't see myself being able to just sit and hug, hold, kiss, and talk to them .... well then it's a no-go for me. So I guess i'll just sit around and hope something falls into my lap as they say. Well i think it's time for bed. I'm gonna start doing something at the end now where I put in lyrics that I love and a band that i like that maybe not a lot of people have heard that you should check out. Lyrics : "What's the furthest place from here? It hasn't been my day for a couple years, what's a couple more? And if I go don't forget the one good thing I almost I learned your name without words, I used my eyes not my hands." ... "What's the meanest you can be to the one you claim to love, and still smile to your, your new found friends?" --- Jawbreaker "Accident Prone" "And it's so nice sitting very still without those old shoes, I could never fill." ... "And it's so nice sleeping here all alone with my ashtray, white courtesy telephone. Now I'm making out the shapes, like the shower rod. Can it take my weight? I will tell you I am fine, I got some news friend feels like i'm dying." --- Jets To Brazil "Sea Anemone" Band to Check out: Built to Spill (older stuff) give it a couple listens ... it really grows on ya! Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: The Shins -- "New Slang" Great song (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 26th, 2004
7:33 pm	Donnie Darko is my saviour So I watched Donnie Darko last night and remembered how much I love that movie with all of its little nuiances that appear on actors faces and shit, the music that plays, the camera work, the little sly looks from character to character. I really wish I could write a movie or create a masterpiece like it. It's what i've always wanted to do....but don't believe enough in myself to even attempt it. People always tell me that i'm coming up with the most random shit...and sometimes it makes me think that maybe I do have the brain and intellect to be really creative, and then I just shoot myself down. Problem #1 is that to create something like a movie you need to devote tons of time and effort towards it and accept failure. I'm not sure that I could indulge my life into something so much and then fail, i'm not sure what that would do to me. Not to sound conceited(sp?) but I've never really failed at anything i've done...but that might be cus i don't take big enough risks? I don't know. I wrote in an old post...which shouldn't take long to find since i think i total out at 10 of them lol....that i one time had a whole movie plotted out by using differing songs to tell the story. Man I wish i could remember that track list, maybe i'd give it a go. I do remember that it essentially had to do with a group of late teens that saw the world as useless yet inevitable. Those people who see all the wrong in the world yet are too scared or apathetic to actually change it...(hmmm...maybe subconciously i was making a biopic?) Anyway,,,my KB is messing up so hard to type..guess i'll just log here then. But i plan on keeping this updated so keep reading please. All 1 or 2 of you ...lmao! Oh EDIT: lol while i was typing in the music i'm listening to...i had a fun fact to share....Do you know where Joy Division got thier name? Answer: The Joy Division was a division of the Nazi army that would go into the towns and rape the women and children...pleasent huh? Yet sooo fitting for the moody music it is. Later! Current Music: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" -- Joy Division (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
11:26 pm	Is there a God? Cus I give up! Life sucks....I just want you all to know that. And i'm generally a happy person. I've never been depressed in my entire life, but I'm thinking this might be it. I'm lost in my life, lost on where I want to go, and lost on who I am and why I hurt those I love. It's not right to sit at home on a Tues. at 11pm and be crying to a machine that doesn't understand emotion. It's not right to have to read things that I wrote over 2 yrs ago ( which i can't fucking believe it was 2 yrs ago) and realize that most of the emotion in them is still there but not the reality. Life would just be easier if I could trust people and not take my own petty insecurities out on those around me....fuck! Why can't George Burns really be god? That would at least make life funny, not hard. I miss friends, I miss who I wanted to be as a kid, I miss myself. I doubt you'll ever read this but if you do.....I'll always love you. And i'm sorry! ps- Listen to Elliott Smith's "Needle in the Hay" to get my mood...and then watch the scene from Royal Tennenbaums where it's playing in the background to see my reality. (hint* luke wilson in a bathroom) Current Mood: dead on the inside Current Music: Elliott Smith - "Needle in the Hay" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 6th, 2002
9:25 pm	Something In the Way I don't know what it is, but lately I haven't felt right. I've never had a problem with not feeling comfortable in my skin, but for some reason I do now. It's like I'm constantly antsy with no explanation why. I want to sleep but can't, I wan't to stay awake but can't stand being awake, it's really weird. Maybe one reason might be that for the first time in as long as I can remember all of my really good friends now live somewhere else and I'm simply left with quasi-best friends...but who really knows. The one thing that has stayed constant however, is my music and the love therein. Without music I have no idea where I would be...probably a mess somewhere in corner. My friends like to call me a music elitest or just plain make fun of me for the 300+ cd's/lp's I own. I know it sounds lame, but for me music provides a background for any mood that I'm in. Or it can change my mood for me. It's almost like music is a soundtrack for my life. Ok so maybe I secretly want to live in a movie with a soundtrack. And maybe once, or twice, I came up with a soundtrack for my life. But I wouldn't call it anything I need to talk to an authority about...yet. I once took a bunch of songs that made up a story and made them into a soundtrack and then wrote a movie based on the story the songs played, with the music playing at the appropriate points in the plot. I liked it at least. Speaking of music... when I was in high school I used to be waaayyy into punk rock. I just loved all the different forms you could find it in. Pop-punk/ hardcore/ ska/ Oi!/ speed metal/ black metal (GOD BLESS CRADLE OF FILTH!!! ) Wait! is that an oxymoron??? (matt you know what I mean) Anyway, everyone in the punk rock scene was just about having a good time and going to shows. I mean we'd go to a show(concert) every weekend and during the summer 3-5 times a week. I loved it so much I started a band of my own and we got signed to a small label and sent out on the road for 4 months, it was great. I wish I could just go back to these times. Most of my friends from that period still live exactly like they were still 16, don't go to school, and don't do much with their lives...at times I'm jealous of them, but it's just not me. However, most of these people were my really good friends....hell even my best friend in the whole world, my ex-girlfriend/ex-bandmate from high school has suddenly stopped talking to me cus she's marrying some guy she has known for 5 months :( At least right now I'm listening to Iesha by Another Bad Creation, yes, it is the small things in life that keep me happy (see matt I told you size didn't matter to me!) Anyway the reason I bring up music and punk rock is cus for the first time in a long time i'm gonna get to go see some shows i'm excited about. Even though I missed one of my favorite bands of all time, Snapcase, cus they played on my b-day and of course I had to work, I do have tickets to see Coldplay and Alkaline Trio. Alkaline is right up there with Snapcase as a band that I'll never tire of, not only that but I was friends with the manager in Chicago. After those shows, I get to go see my good friends The Get Up Kids/ Anniversary/ and Gadjits. These 3 bands I grew up with in the "scene" of punk rock. Oh well enough ranting, I'll get over this feeling taht I'm in and somehow make myself better. ps- Does anyone else love Color Me Badd? (heheh they have 2 d's) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 5th, 2002
3:18 am	Whatever it needs to be... I trace along the gentle curves of your back taking in every soft touch, blemish, and breath you take I want to hug you, yet fear I may hurt you, attempting to squeeze you into my being Following my fingers trace a path to your neck I stare into a world of color Holding you, we make two spoons Beneath an autumn moon, everything is soft and sweet This cigarette it could seduce a nation with its smoke Budding at my fingertips, touching you I start to bloom Soft and sweet along your lips now... I go..oh...WOW! Now all these tastes improve with the view that comes with you Like they handed me my life, for the first time it felt worth it Like I deserved it. This is something that I wrote recently and again, I just wanted to put something up on here. And yes, this "side" of me does exist! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 28th, 2002
2:00 am	What is living for???? Well...1st of all for those who care... and you know who you are....... you are not fat!!!! You will never be fat so get over it, you are beautiful and that's all there is to it. Enough said. Next, have you ever wanted to say something to someone, because you were afraid that they'd leave before you could say it? I have, there is something I need to say, but I can't and more than likely it would just come back to haunt me anyway. And because of this I'm not sure that anyone will ever know my true feelings unless I really get to know them, because I don't know how to tell people things until they're already gone and it doesn't matter anyway. All I can say is at least I have people in my mind and dreams. And I wish you could see what I have seen and read whatI have written about you all because I love it all. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
2:05 am	Oh jeez this took way too long! So I haven't written anything on here in a while, so I thought I'd just share some of my writings because no one ever gets to see them. Especially because the last two entries are kinda crazy and my thoughts really come out on paper better. These are really old, but they're the only ones i could find quickly so, um, yeah! NO TITLE ---------- Uncertain and lost, the mind wanders Why? Why? All my thoughts merely questions You arrive neatly packaged in white, A message of purity I never bought Even at your discounted price DON'T HUG ME! I don't want apologies, excuses, begging, I only want you, No, the you I made you out to be: Young funny loving commited...Realizations that aren't you. No belief in myself too skinny too ugly too shy I'm sorry, I'm just me One person made me believe once She left for someone she believed in more. Huddled. Hit. Sticks & Stones, Words & Bones. Memories Childhood memories, with a hood to hide my face Keep those from seeing their spoils of war Am I ok? No! : No faith No Ability No trust A shell of pain where humanity should dwell With none to help, only reinforce It's why I'm alone, thanks guys. Destiny of Freedom ------------------ Look Left, Look Right, Dreams surround you Figured it out yet? I think so. Jump from fantasy to reality Leaving a trail of hope behind Open the path to your beauty, Scissors. Red tide flows and follows I too begin to realize The pain of the beauty you endure How do you deal with perfection? How do you keep going? You have it figured out, Take Hold Begin. The Restless Hour ----------------- Life enters and leaves her lungs, Dreams of happiness and new lives entertain Beautiful The word is too mundane to describe the scene The thought of smiles, Fist clenched, The body sprawled about. I sit and watch the unknowing muse Asleep. Innocent. Happy & content, I convince myself everything will be ok Yet, Lying next to love herself keeps me awake Stirring throughout the night For 3 restless hours I watch the scene repeat itself, over and over again The eyes begin to open unleashing Hope. Love. For everyone. Reality that she keeps hidden And my thoughts will keep me forever. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Johnny "Fucking" Cash / X-Ray Spex/ & Jeff Buckley (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:46 am	I hit enter too early! Here's a couple more (again old) cus i accidentally hit enter too early and posted... Destiny of Freedom The Restless Hour ------------------ ----------------- Look Left, Rise, Look Right, Fall, Dreams surround you Life enters and leaves her lungs, Figured it out yet? Dreams of happiness and new lives entertain I think so. Beautiful Jump from fantasy to reality The word is too mundane to describe the scene Leaving a trail of hope behind The thought of smiles, Open the path to your beauty, Fist clenched, Scissors. The body sprawled about. Red tide flows and follows I sit and watch the unknowing muse I too begin to realize Asleep. Innocent. The pain of the beauty you endure Happy & content, I convince myself How do you deal with perfection? everything will be ok How do you keep going? Yet, You have it figured out, Lying next to love herself keeps me awake Take Hold Stirring throughout the night Begin. For 3 restless hours I watch the scene repeat itself, over and over. Again The eyes begin to open unleashing Hope. Love. For everyone. Reality that she keeps hidden And my thoughts will keep me forever. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Johnny "Fucking" Cash / X-Ray Spex/ & Jeff Buckley (Comment on this)
1:41 am	Finally I So I haven't written anything on here in a while, so I thought I'd just share some of my writings because no one ever gets to see them. Especially because the last two entries are kinda crazy and my thoughts really come out on paper better. These are really old, but they're the only ones i could find quickly so, um, yeah! NO TITLE ---------- Uncertain and lost, the mind wanders Why? Why? All my thoughts merely questions You arrive neatly packaged in white, A message of purity I never bought Even at your discounted price DON'T HUG ME! I don't want apologies, excuses, begging, I only want you, No, the you I made you out to be: Young funny loving commited...Realizations that aren't you. No belief in myself too skinny too ugly too shy I'm sorry, I'm just me One person made me believe once She left for someone she believed in more. Huddled. Hit. Sticks & Stones, Words & Bones. Memories Childhood memories, with a hood to hide my face Keep those from seeing their spoils of war Am I ok? No! : No faith No Ability No trust A shell of pain where humanity should dwell With none to help, only reinforce It's why I'm alone, thanks guys. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 8th, 2002
3:08 am	Why Does the World Hate Me? Why can't I find love? And why when I think I have finally found it, is it already taken? I hate this world and everything pertaining to it!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 2nd, 2002
8:38 pm	Why do I cry?!?! What a day, I didn't get to sleep until 6am, and then had to leave for work at 10am, this sux! Then I arrived home to a phone call from an ex-girlfriend that I hadn't talked to in months and we both realized that we had nothing to say to each other....again, that sucked! But then it hit me!!!! I WAS HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!! UNIVISION HERE I COME.....IT'S TIME FOR SABADO GIGANTE!!!! I have no idea what it is about this show, I don't understand a word of it...and i mean not a SINGLE word. Yet I always find it bringing a smile to my face, (where else can you see a Mexican cowboy playing an accordion and being worshiped like a cow in India?) [editors note: I have no idea what that meant...but cows moo!]. I mean this show makes me want to drop everything and run to Mexico, simply to live in the nirvana known as Studio Sabado Gigante! And no I don't dream about the damn muppet looking co-announcer being my real biological father....I swear I don't. Oh well this is my first attempt at this, so I think i'll leave it at this. Now i'm going to go kill people in a magical place called Vice City. Current Mood: Yummy! Current Music: Air- The Virgin Suicides Soundtrack (1 Comment |Comment on this)